January 1, 2013 I started a "new me" diet. Watched what I ate....went to the gym....had a more positive attitude....took some pride in my appearance. And it really worked. I lost about 30 pounds, and actually FELT GOOD about myself last summer. Now I still had more weight to lose, but overall, I was happy. Slowly going into fall/winter, I lost my resolve. I don't know why, I don't know exactly what triggered it, if anything, but I started faltering. I had days at a time where I didn't get to the gym....I had 2 "cheat" meals a week, then 3....I moved out of the clothes I was wearing comfortably because they were getting a bit too snug.... I failed myself. I let myself slide out of all of the progress I had made, and started right back making bad decisions, and putting myself down. I made excuses to myself, and others, and each day became easier to let myself go again. By Thanksgiving I was 15 pounds up, by Christmas over 20....I started 2014 at almost where I started the prior year. It was depressing, frustrating, infuriating, etc. Yet I still ate. I would have a day or two - maybe three! - in a row where I'd force myself to go to the gym, and I ate 'ok'. Then I'd break, and have a three day stretch of consuming about 2000+ calories, which zero gym time. I quit going to my favorite Zumba class because it made me short of breath again. I was failing. Again. Tonight ends it. I have to get back to where I was mentally, physically, and emotionally. I feel horrible about myself. I hate how I feel, and only I can change it. I pulled out workout clothes for tomorrow morning, and I'm going to make myself get up with Mike, and do 30 minutes of cardio before getting ready for the day, and hope that it starts to set the tone of the day for me. I'm not going to look back, and I'm not looking too far into the future...I'm going to take it one day at a time, an hour at a time if I have to. I'm going to force myself to change, and take charge of who I am. I can do this.