Sometimes I don't feel all sunshine and roses

I wish my Mom wouldn't drink.
I wish my sister would grow up and mature.
I wish my brother would want to live.
I wish my Dad and I could talk.
I wish my Grandmother was able to love unconditionally.
I wish I knew how many Aunts and Uncles I had.

Argh.

Growing up we never really had a close knit family. We (meaning Mom, Dad, myself, Mike, and Em) would groan and moan anytime we had to go somewhere family oriented to spend the time with people that we would see once, maybe twice a year. But they were family so we "loved" them. Well now that us kids are all grown up (age, not maturity...) it's basically the same kind of mentality. We're not close. At all. It's sad to admit that I talk to acquaintances more then I talk to my Mom. We live 20 minutes away from my parents, yet see them few and far between. My Mom drives me crazy. She drinks so a problem lies there. Our family is full of secrets between one another, yet everyone knows everything, without knowing a thing. When listing emergency contacts on forms, is there something wrong that my family members never even occur for me to write? Mike is extremely close to his brothers, and for that I am jealous. I wish I was remotely close to mine. I haven't talked to my brother in months, and that last time was no longer then a 4 minute conversation. I see my sister fairly often, but that's because our kids play...we never have any deep, meaningful conversations. It's sad. I love my Dad to death, but I would never even feel comfortable calling him up to say hello. Fathers Day and his Birthday are more awkward then fun.

I want closeness for Livi and the baby. I want a loving family for us to surround ourselves with. When there's an issue in our family, money is thrown at it and it's expected to go away. Money replaces love in most instances, and tears are rarely seen. Gossip comes from opening up to someone, and truths are always twisted and thrown back. Problems are overlooked, and celebrations thrown for the wrong reasons. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around Grandparents that want to see their Grandkids, and want to take them for the night....it's so foreign to me. Sad. I feel bad for Livi. I feel bad for us.